two pages of another life – my diary

February 21, 2012 § 1 Comment

as requested, and promised, below is a page of my diary, with no further explanations or added opinions. it’s exactly as it was written that day. it contains spoilers. don’t read it if you don’t want that until you get to the post with the same date.

May 27th 2005, 16:37

Dear diary, 

I still can’t really believe what’s happening to me and I often look back on the day everything started. No regrets you always say, right? It’s hard sometimes.

But know this, I’m happy. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now, I’m happy and I enjoy the path I’ve taken, even though at times it seems rough and different, even though sometimes I wish I would have never known such a life.

I’m telling you all this because you remember everything, and some day, when I will feel nostalgic or question myself why did I chose this path, I will be able to ask you and you’ll know everything. So make sure you tell future me just that: don’t regret it because you were once the happiest man in the world for making this choice.

No regret you always say, so make sure you remember me of that.

Regina is still sleeping, I’m in the other room talking with you. I can see her through the open door right now and she looks just like an angel. Innocent while sleeping. I still can’t understand how someone is able to go to bed smiling, smile all the way through sleep and wake-up still smiling. But she is.

Remember to tell me that also, that I once loved and cared for Regina more than anything. Remember me, no matter how bad it will turn out, that Regina was an angel to me. Do that. Don’t let me forget, because we both know that bad things are always stronger in our heads than beautiful things.

We’re in Moscow. Don’t ask me how I got here, but I’ve been gone for some time now from home and my parents are going mad already, although Regina had something to do with their acceptance in the first place. I can only enjoy the nice hotel we’re staying, I’ve always wanted to see Moscow, so this is a nice chance. Especially in this hotel. Hotel Ukraina. The large painting on the ceiling remembers me of the high school and makes me feel more comfortable, more at home.

So remember to tell me that too, ok? Tell me that I’ve loved the life with Regina, not just Regina herself. Tell me that this day was wonderful, last night was a dream and the night to come will be a nightmare. Tell me I loved seeing the river out the window from this hotel, although the name of the river escapes my knowledge now. I bet Regina would know.

She will wake soon, I tiptoed around the room not to wake her before sundown, she hates that. Remember me how careful I’ve been not to wake her, and tell me I did it because I loved her and I loved watching her sleeping so peacefully.

Dear diary, in the years to come, don’t make me feel guilty or ashamed for what I’m doing now. You know everything, the bad and the good, but please remind me that I chose this life because I wanted it, because I loved it and because there’s always beauty in even the darkest hours, even if you don’t see it.

Dear diary, in the years to come, if you see me upset or regretful for where I am at the time, please take the time to tell me all of this, and try to keep my mood up by remembering how good it felt.

Tonight I will be hers again, I hope it will be at least half as good as last night, I can’t wait for it to happen soon enough. Don’t blame me or don’t condemn me. If I ever tell myself how stupid I was back then, please remember myself that I wasn’t. That I wanted it and I enjoyed it.

Dear diary, push me to remember for a few seconds how good it felt when Regina offered pleasure instead of pain, and push me to remember for a few seconds that I always will hold it dear in my heart, the feeling, and that I will always think that it was worth it.

Dear diary, if I speak to you in the future, and I will no longer be who I am today, then please tell me that I wanted eternity, and if that I regret it, I’m the most ignorant bastard ever, and that I should open my eyes and see that I have the world at my feet. If I regret the choice I will make, then assure me once again that I should embrace it because at one point, it made me happy.

Regina woke and she’s still smiling. Dear diary, remember me of her smile.


and this is the next entry, which is much bigger, because I had more time and I wasn’t interrupted.

May 31st, 2005, 12:44

Dear diary, we’re in France because the search in Moscow seemed unproductive, to say the least. Regina got frustrated with getting nowhere and then other things also forced us to leave, and we did. We left for France to meet with Karl and Viktoria. And others apparently, of which I did not know.

I’m glad that I’m alive.

This castle is amazing. It’s as big as your eyes can see and I’m pretty sure it’s really old. I only got to see such things in movies. Everything is shining inside and is neatly packed and arranged. It looks better than the hotel in Moscow. There’s large areas of forest all around it and I feel isolated from civilization. It has a really nice big garden and there’s a river nearby which just makes everything even better. I wonder if there’s a chance for me to take a swim in it.  I miss swimming.

Regina doesn’t seem impressed. How could she. Maybe she even owned such a place in a time forgotten era. For me it’s a dream, for her it’s reality. No arguing there about being impressed.

We got here this morning, or night, it was well past 1 anyway and Regina was tired and weakened, needles to say we were received like royalty. Remind me of that, remind me of how good it felt stepping into a castle.

For me it felt we went straight to bed, but we did attend maybe even an hour with them, before doing just that.

We’re now at a castle named Chateau de Launay which by my approximation is in the middle of nowhere, but apparently the city of Le Mans is within quick driving distance. This seems like the middle of nowhere though.

I think Karl set this all up, he rented the place or it’s his, I don’t know, but last night was a blast.
Remind me how awkward it felt being the only human among seven of them, and seeing them eat the thing that keeps you alive. But also remember me how proud and good I felt having Regina by my side every second. She’s been very protective of me lately.

Dear diary, Viktoria’s face when we arrived this morning was priceless. For the first time I saw her happy that she is seeing me again. She’s been spending time in Sighisoara more and more apparently, going back and forth to Blanche. I understand she’s been a really good teacher, like I knew she would.

Karl received us both with open doors and open arms, last night there was a party, a dinner, between them, but Regina wasn’t really in the mood. I remember her being frustrated more than once, looking to the left and to the right as like she was expecting someone. She decided to go to bed almost as soon as we arrived. We were both exhausted from Moscow.

I know she didn’t say or do anything because these people were her oldest acquaintances.

Dear diary, remember me how dumb I felt and looked when they started talking and remembering their lives in the few short moments that we did attend to them before heading upstairs. I felt like I was born yesterday. But also make sure you remember me how nice it was that they stopped and took the time to explain everything, every time I looked confused, which was almost all the time. I was too tired to understand anything by myself anyway.

I wonder if they would do the same again, without me being accompanied by Regina.

They fed through the night and I truly hope there wasn’t anyone alive in the basement which Karl kept milking, because he kept going down and back up with everything full of… again. And I’m pretty sure they will repeat the cycle once again, tonight.

Regina didn’t take a drop from there or from me. She made it clear more than once she doesn’t do “from a glass”. She will get some poor bastard delivered tomorrow night like she always does, I might get him off the hook if I get the chance before, but I feel dizzy as it is anyway. Moscow was… harsh.

I also wonder what Karl told Regina when he pulled her aside. I know it was about her maker, that’s why we came here after all. I just now realize I only know his name, maybe Regina will tell me more.

Regina seemed to loosen up after the talk anyway, which is always a good sign. I hope Karl pointed her in the right direction and we get to find him after all this search. We really need to know things, and apparently he could be the one with the knowledge.

Don’t tell Regina, but I think he’s dead. There’s no way he’s still alive and remained hidden for so many years.

Viktoria was pretty friendly last night when we arrived with me, and I know for a fact that it wasn’t because she was hungry. She kept rubbing against me and talking with me all kinds of things. Regina seemed more preoccupied with her official talks, lots of problems being presented to her by all of those people, not even twenty minutes after our arrival.

Lars, the one from the north, told her about a large concentration taking place recently in Oslo and asked her to pay a visit in the near future to settle things down, apparently they weren’t pleased with the way he dealt with them. Who knew they also complain like us?

I would have loved to stay there more and talk through the night but we had just arrived. There is always tonight, which we will have in its entirety to attend the others in the dinning hall.

There’s been so much talk about so many things that I had no clue about I don’t want to bother you with all.
Just remember that they talked about the codex, the retrieval, changing the way of recalling libels, several cases with some refusing to turn their humans, or do anything else, which had to be dealt with personally apparently.

Viktoria told me however less boring things, like World War II. She told me how she and Regina fled for the U.S and became friends with nobody else that Marilyn. I thought Viktoria was drunk at the time, but then I realized she couldn’t have been.

I wonder which other artists did the two influence during their time in the U.S

Viktoria also told me about Picasso. I think she was bragging. “I was one of Picasso’s models”. Yeah right, like anyone would believe that. Regina laughed when she heard that and nudged her to stop trying to impress me. I don’t know whether she said stop lying or stop telling him so much, but the fact is that Viktoria immediately stopped everything.
I only hope that she will tell me more about these tonight. I will ask her.

I felt Regina didn’t want me to know as much as I did.

Dear diary, if you tell me all of that, then please try to remember me also that good things never last.
Last night I also had a few bad interactions with few of them, including Karl and Lars, not very far from the moment of our arrival. I fell asleep with them in my head and with the feeling that the coming night will prove difficult. They weren’t happy at all with me being there and kept asking when will I honor them with my allegiance. Which I know that translates to “when are you going to accept the turning already?”.

I responded in sarcasm to one of them “Never” and he looked at Regina with a look of “Can I kill him now, please?”.
He didn’t do anything, but I’m pretty sure the result would have been more different if Regina wasn’t there.

Dear diary, it’s almost 13:00 now and everyone is sleeping, except me, I just woke up not long ago.
The kitchen is fully stocked, which is surprising. I wonder if it was all for me, Karl knew that I was coming, Viktoria messaged him once again, and he did everything and he planned everything.

He always wanted to please Regina, and he always managed to do it. At times it seems creepy, it seems too much and it seems he has a secondary agenda.

I hope he doesn’t get the chance to read this, he won’t be so nice with me after that. I also hope I’m wrong about him. But something was definitely off about him last night. Maybe tonight he will prove more friendly. I did not get the chance to properly know any of them.

For once, everyone else could hear what he said to Regina, except me. That bothered me and still does.

Remember me to ask Regina about it if I forget.

Dear diary, please remember me that Regina was happy, Viktoria was nice with me and remember me about spending more time reading about Marilyn. Viktoria said that Regina really enjoyed her, both her films and her as a person. I wonder if the influencing part went both ways.

Dear diary, remember me to keep an eye out for Karl and remember me to pay a visit to Lars if I ever get the chance to be in Oslo. He was graceful even though he really wanted me to be either with them, or gone.

At the end of the day, you should make sure to tell me that yesterday and last night when we got here and were received like royalty I was happy as I will never again be, you should remember me how good it felt to just pass out on the bed next to Regina and fall instantly asleep. I always had problems with sleep, but she was the one to put them to rest. Her skin seems even silkier and whiter in water than it does usually. Remember me that there’s no better feeling than a girl not being ashamed of herself. I had to deal with enough of those. 

Remember me that all of those things made me really happy. Remember me that I enjoyed her more than ever and remember me that in this moment, I’m looking at her sleeping again, and I just can’t get enough of it. Just like in Moscow, she seems the most beautiful and innocent thing there is on Earth.

I really enjoy moments like these, when I get to watch her sleep, being so innocent and yet so ancient.

But diary, tell me she’s not so innocent, remember me she has a dark side also, and she’s dangerous.
Diary, remember me I enjoy that dark side also, but it can end very badly for me. I have to be careful.

Regina, if you read this then:

Shame on you. This is private love, but if I’m gone, then feel free to read them.

And, please don’t be mad. These are my thoughts, and I’d gladly share them with you if you’d just ask. You just seem – distant, not interested in me like you used to, although I was recently proven you would give your life to save what you care about. And I can’t blame you on that, on being distant. I’m a threat for you and I’m aware of that.


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