proof beyond any doubt? no such thing. not today. my lament.

February 20, 2012 § 15 Comments


It truly is funny you know… you try to tell a true story and nobody listens.

You tell a friend and he laughs, then, upon you insisting that it’s true – he wants proof – you try to prove it, and he gets hurt – because it is dangerous. Then, you keep it inside, and when someone else finds out – it goes: You’re a freak, how can you side with them? How can you hold such a secret and not tell me, your friend?

Everything you do, is bad.

If you tell – it’s bad. You’re crazy and you’re pushed aside. If you don’t, then they get to push you aside because you start missing, you start acting weird, you freak them out because they don’t know what’s happening with you – and again you figure: maybe if they would know, they would support me, and you think: I would like my friend to tell me if he would have been a part of such a thing… but no… you can’t tell them again.

And yet, you do – and once again, they suffer and call you crazy. Such a thing does not go lightly. It may be a good story to tell after a movie, over a dinner or just on a night out, and yes, they listen, and laugh and compliment you on what a good story it is.

And then, when you insist it’s true – and you keep insisting – you freak them out, and they never ever want to deal with you again, slowly, they distance themselves. You’re the crazy one.

So what do you do?

I ask you: WHAT do you do, when you have this – and you want to tell – yet nobody listens?

What do you do, when you’re in it SO BADLY that you have to leave the country – and even then – when you explain – they still don’t listen and believe. you’re still the crazy one. Your best friends, people who have known you all your life: You tell them that you have to go someplace deserted, to be alone, away from everything. you tell them your life depends on it and they take it lightly and laugh.

Then, you write a book and figure: Maybe someone will listen, and will read it, but nobody reads it because again, in there, you claim it to be true, lose credibility, get people angry, and they don’t read.

Every single time people enjoy it, and when you try to convince them to be true – they repulse it – and yet, everybody WANTS TO KNOW, everybody is craving for the “truth”.

I fail to understand humanity anymore. I do. Everybody wants the truth, an adventure, a fantasy… and when you put it in front of them and tell them: here it is, let me show you.

Then, they deny it, put it in the “crazy” department and move on.

They want to believe in ghosts, yet call everyone who claims to have seen one a lunatic.
They want to believe in vampires, yet they do the same thing with it.

What can one do – to make people believe – that such stories, once in a while, from people with no mental diseases of theirs or in their family, are true?

What can one do?

Stories face to face don’t work.
Publishing a book under a real name would not only be dangerous but also ruin the chance of life I might have, because such stories, in an academic background, have no room.  Even if you risk and publish the book – it’s still fantasy.

So what’s left?

You decide to make a website – and yet, realize that you are among hundreds of websites, all of them with fangs and blood and weird stories, and all of them go into different things and start talking about all kind of paranormal things that of course nobody would believe, and you, your website, gets put in the same category.

“it’s just another of those paranormal crazy stories website”

If you make it a plain simple blog, black and white and nothing else, then it’s not serious enough, you don’t put enough time in it.

If you try to put some photos and color and a theme in it, to make it look better – thinking you’ll attract more readers – because you want the people to know, then it’s “too childish” and people stop believing, because it looks just like the others.

So how does one differentiate from the other websites?
How does one – from all the disinformation through too much information – gets someone to believe such a story. How?

We’ve all seen thousands of fake photos, videos and stories. So yes, it’s hard to get trust. We’ve all seen “documentaries” with people (who I really think are deranged) claiming to be “real vampires”. Just two months ago there was a dude on Discovery drinking blood from his girlfriend. He was clearly no vampire because he was throwing it up after each 50ml or so, the maximum amount your stomach can hold before puking.

This post is my lament.

People ask me: who are you, really? and they answer themselves, because I can’t. “He’s just another crazy dude.”

I’m a young man, with a high school, college, masters and heading towards a PhD.

I have no mental cases in my family nor do I have any history of it. I have no interest in paranormal, I have never wrote or read stories about ghosts, miracles, magic.

I’ve always enjoyed facts and I’ve always been a skeptic. I’m an atheist, at times agnostic maybe, since birth, I’m not baptized. I have grown in an atheist environment where everything without proof was considered a fairy tale. Including the bible.

I’ve studied since a fragile age, even since before I could walk properly, everything that was accessible to me. Like I said in the “prologue”, I’ve studied biology, mathematics, philosophy, religion (as a discussion), politics, economics. Don’t think anything formal or fancy. I just enjoyed (and sometimes forced) reading those kinds of books instead of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Peter Pan, etc. Although I did read the latter also.

I’ve studied self-defense with my father, geometry, astronomy, arts, photography, engineering, conventional medicines, constructions, architecture and the simple laws of physics by myself and with a teacher that acted as a guide, pointing me into the right direction. I’m not saying I understand all of those, that would be ridiculous, I’m merely trying to point out that I’ve been raised as a skeptic, a realist and a person of facts and testable definitions. All these before even starting high school. My parents made sure I was prepared in smaller, but important things also. I played the piano, I developed hand-eye coordination beyond anyone’s belief, through games: countless pool games, darts, and more serious – medical purpose games. IT was important for me.

I was never emo, rocker, club freak, or any other category kids these days fit into.

I was never the weird kid, I knew how to behave, I studied enough psychology to know that the reason to happiness is being stupid, so I’ve dumbed myself down while in society. I known how to keep my social life social. I studied, read and practiced whenever I had free time. I partied, got drunk and went to school like any normal kid. I never did anything just to attract attention to myself. I was neutral to being in the center of attention. It was ok with me both ways, didn’t matter.

I was the man with the head on his shoulders – as seen by everyone who knew me.
That is who I am.

The day when I started saying this story – people who knew me, close persons, told me I’m mental. They had forgotten everything that I was and knew, they had forgotten how many times they’ve put their trust in my judgment, IN A SECOND. That’s how long it took everybody to transform me from: the guy who you can trust to be honest and straight with you – to – the crazy guy with the vampire story.

So I shut it and went on with my double life.
Years later, it’s still going on, and people, still oblivious to what’s around them.

You see riots on TV, you see financial crisis, you see wars and famine, and you stop caring. You stop caring because of two things: you’re part of the biggest secret ever covered AND you know, first hand, that everything happening today, happened before and it will happen again. You’ve had people sitting next to you, telling you that they’ve been there when Napoleon was killed, that they’ve been there when the first movie was shot, that they’ve been there when the first light bulb went on and the first photograph was taken. You’ve had people telling you how they fought in ten or more wars, over the centuries. How could you care about yet another war? You already know it happened before and it’s going to happen again. You stop caring.

So you decide that for your own safety and well-being you need to get a new life. So you leave the country? Flee to the dark north where nobody knows you, start a new life in a new country in a new college and make new friends and never talk about it again. There, in the middle of nothing, where nobody can find you. You go there and sit, waiting for your life to catch up. Waiting for a promise to be fulfilled. Waiting for the greatest person you’ve ever known to come back to you, and you’re not sure whether it will ever happen.

And you start doing other things, you focus on a blog – where you try to tell a story. And people start sending you e-mails, asking for proof. You refuse, you say you don’t have it. Because you don’t. You have a few photos of a girl with fangs – so what? Anyone could fake those these days. It’s not worth spreading them – plus – that’s not your purpose. I’m trying to protect that one girl, even if it doesn’t seem like it. So what do I do?

You didn’t take really mind-blowing photos or videos, ever, because you risked your life and because even if you had them, nobody would believe them anyway.

“They are fake” people would say. So why would I risk everything – maybe not my life – but everything else, like being pushed out of the life that I loved, for taking a photo that would be categorized as fake anyway. Would you?

This is my lament I say again.

And I ask you: what would you do?

What would you do if you would want to make people believe and YET still keep it a secret?
What would you do if you’d like to form a circle of a few persons, maybe ten of them, make those believe beyond any doubt – but still keep it a secret for the rest of the world.

They have it all figured out: everyone who knows must either become one of us, or die. So how do you build a circle with people who can know and continue knowing?

How would you go about it?
I’m serious – I need help with ideas. I’m out.

I tried everything. I tried books and they didn’t work. I tried blogs and they fail.

Should I try a scientific paper? Can you imagine sending a scientific paper to Science magazine explaining in detail everything. How would I name it? “How vampires work.” Funny.

I tried telling people in person, that not only didn’t work, but turned out very, very wrong.
People would rather believe in Santa Claus.

I’ve been to the north pole and there’s nobody there. Trust me. I have photos with that also, if you want.
I’ve also been to other places, and there IS somebody there, but not Santa. However, people don’t believe that.

People ask me: So ok, let’s assume everything you say it’s true, then how are you allowed to do this? How are you not dead or your blog taken down?

Well – my blog was taken down – twice. I don’t know how, by who, or why. And I can’t prove that either – people say well… websites go down sometimes. And it’s true, they do.

As for the dangerous part – if you read the story, I will get to that part also. But for a short summary – I don’t present a danger so I’m not in danger myself.

As long as I don’t reveal certain sensible things ( which would make absolutely no difference in getting people to trust me, so why reveal them? ) everything is fine.

Because whoever I’m trying to make known – knows that it’s impossible, if not hard. Knows I’ll get over it and shut up. They know it because they have dealt with it countless times. And that’s true also. It’s impossible to prove something like this without…. proof. I don’t even know what proof I should have!

Just saying one sentence: “Hey, I’ve seen a vampire. They’re real, seriously.” will get you banned from any normal social circle. You get left with the people who ALL claim they’ve seen a vampire, which I know for a fact that is impossible, but not even those believe me that I know that, because if they would then they wouldn’t claim what they are claiming.

So what’s left? What now?
“Round up some and let them under the sun.”

For one – you try rounding up “some”. And second, the sun is worthless in that respect. It’s not the movies.

And the most frustrating part is – that now, with full access to such a life – I’ve become so accustomed to it that it only comes natural for me to think, act and speak about it. But I can’t.

To put yourself in my shoes, imagine you could travel 200 years into the past and tell people that you’ve been to the moon (not you, the human kind), or tell people that everybody can fly, in your time. Or tell them really common things like we have a magic pill that you swallow and it cures you from all the diseases (because back then, an antibiotic really did cure almost all the existing diseases).

Nobody would believe you of such things, they would call you a crazy, a drunk man.
A single person tried telling the world that the Earth is round and look what happened to him.

So why bother?

Because I want to be the one who gets to say: I told you so.

Ever seen Men in Black? I saw it and for me it seemed to be really science fiction. I couldn’t swallow it for nothing in the world. Yet, a lot of people believed that “such a scenario is indeed really possible.”

And I figured: Hey, if they would believe that, maybe I have a chance. So I tried telling them, and what do you think happened? Right. They didn’t buy it.

Yet what I was saying was much less science fiction, with more explanations, more proof and much likely to be real.

I’m telling you: whoever came up with the idea of making vampires a mass-media sensation was a genius. It’s the ultimate cover-up. The perfect story!

Doing that, you don’t have to actively try to shut down people who say it’s true. You really don’t. Because nobody will believe them and society will take care of them anyway. It’s infallible.

Imagine the following scenario: someone would publish a paper which proves, with scientific proof and everything that the Stargate is actually real. Would anyone believe it? No. Because of the movie.

Now think about this: what if the movie was actually made specifically for that purpose? To be a shield against possible information leakage.

Now I’m not saying that is true. It’s just an idea.

Which can be applied to everything today. If you want the perfect weapon against information leakage, so perfect that you don’t even have to use it yourself. It’s so impenetrable and so well-built that you’re just passive, throwing a rumor once in a while and then debunking it yourself.

That is what you do: you make it a media sensation, throw countless myths and “facts”, and then you yourself debunk them.
You make tons of movies and write tons of books which tangle the subject in such a way that nobody will ever be able to tell what’s real and what’s not.

You make it appealing for teenagers, because they are the voice of the future. They can spread it the fastest, they are the technological wing of the modern-day society.

Have you seen the amount of books and movies about vampires?
There is no other “fantasy” subject so well covered than this. None. Not even ghosts.

There are thousands of books, texts, manuscripts, poetry, movies, sightings, etc.

So you tell yourself: I know, I’ve seen it – how do I get past all the crap and make myself heard? Where do I start?

People don’t believe in global warming, yet it’s right there.
People don’t believe in the oil running out, yet it’s simple mathematics. Something finite will end. Sooner or later, whenever that is.
People didn’t believe in conspiracies, in corporations controlling governments, in banks owning their lives. Nonsense they said. Now they believe.

People would rather believe in god, which is repulsing.
Dumb people believe religion is good, smart people think religion is bad, the elite who controls thinks religion is useful.

You try to tell people something by turning it into something readable, something that they can understand, and they accuse you of just telling another fantasy story.

If you make a list, it seems made up and dumb. And yes, it does seem that to me too.
If you try to write a science article, you fail, because you don’t have scientific proof.

There’s one thing I can assure you of:

There will never be a movie or a book, written by someone other than me, who will present things how I did here. Simple, explained and to the roots.

There will always be vampires who apparently can’t stand silver or some made-up plant called vervain. They will have witches working for them and werewolves against them. They will go to hell and meet demons and all that. Always, always, the story will blend more and more and things will get more and more confusing.

Five years from now, when I’ll no longer be writing, if you read this blog then, you will know what I meant.
If you want to know now what I meant, compare the vampire today with the vampire from 30 years ago.

I dare you.

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§ 15 Responses to proof beyond any doubt? no such thing. not today. my lament.

  • Shoul says:

    Sometimes, when you write a blog, you can reach others that are like you. Others that have gone through similar things. People who are not believed by their family or friends either. I got tired of not being able to share my experiences, so I wrote them in a forum where everything is “true”.

    I told a few friends that I don’t know well and they responded positively, but I don’t know that they really believe. If I didn’t go through it myself, I don’t know that I would believe either. I’ve given up on the hope that people would believe me. It’s been almost eleven years since I met him and I’ve only recently gained the courage to even tell anyone.

    I believe you and you are not alone.

  • Eammy says:

    Your story looks like a work of fiction when you do things like leave cliffhangers at the end of parts. That and also the far-fetched coincidences (you happen to become friends with a queen vampire so easily because you happen to be special or something etc) , the thrilling pace and the dramatic one-liners.

    If your story is true, then that’s pretty amazing and you’re very lucky to still be alive, but I don’t want to believe that your story is true. I want to know.

    Show as much proof as you can when you write. If you were told how shit really went down in history, then post some of these facts. If you wrote a diary then post some pictures of it. If you took pictures in the north pole then by all means upload them. Don’t let your effort go to waste. I think that is the best way to approach this. And then it is up to the reader to come to their own conclusions. You can’t convince them with “this is real, I swear”. It’s their decision. All you can do is back up your claims the best you can at all times. That at least raises the chances of convincing people.

    • sapindale says:

      One of the best and most constructive feedbacks I’ve seen! I’m gonna do just that! Anyway, pictures with the diary… well, it’s electronic. It’s a file, screenshots? Well that doesn’t make any sense. Pictures with the north pole? That has nothing to do with the story, it was an expedition from a trip in Sweden, started from Kiruna, one week, 1000$, anyone can do it.

      As for the story, good analysis. However: cliffhangers – I do that on purpose for the reader to come back – I purposefully stop the post in a “curios” part of the story. The far-fetched coincidences are not really that far-fetched: Regina was in Sighisoara because the town is of a meaning to her and the others, and in the end it will happen that I’m not so special after all, it was just the first impression. Her necklace is.
      The thrilling pace and one-liners: Now, this is a story, constructed, by me, from memories and the diary. I could very well tell it in one single post, the whole thing. There’s no way I can remember every single thing that happened or has been said, so I improvise. For example, in the last post it’s the story of how Blanche turned, I remember the whole night in a blur. I remember how events unfolded (the order), I remember reactions and attitudes but that’s kind of it. The dialogue is my own, but it’s close to what has been said. If I write: “Please don’t hurt me” it could have easily been just “Don’t harm me!”. Try and remember something of importance for you and put it down in words, it will turn out the same way. You will remember and write about the order of events “This happened, that happened, that happened…” but the dialogue is always blurry and you have to deduct it from the events. I think that my feelings, thoughts and opinions about the situation can be understood as being just that – opinions. Many parts end in: “this is a speculation on my behalf.” And many opinions are deducted on the spot, as I write, but some thoughts are also included from the diary. Sometimes I read the diary and then construct new opinions with a fresh mind, but that’s just “putting it in other words”.
      I try to include as many details as possible without stepping over the line into the “making it up” part of the story. I hate people who exaggerate thing just for the impact.

      Like I said, the story could be written in a long, but singular post. But it would be just an order of events, with no dialogue, no opinions, no description of the surroundings, faces, clothes, no feelings, reactions. It will be just an order of events and nothing more. Would people enjoy reading that?

      I’m planning on the next post as being just one entry from the journal, untouched, as I wrote it the day after it happened.

      And, like I said, as the story progresses it will become more and more faded. It’s just like… your birthday for example. You might remember that day, but the day after no. Why? Because that particular day was important for you, but the others fade into common. Same here, the first few weeks were always thrilling and exciting and new, I remembered everything and thought of it often, but then I got used to it and things started repeating, so it fades away. It becomes just like… any other day. The middle of the whole thing (period wise) is a blank spot. But then it gradually gets better again because it nears present day.

  • Zorah says:

    When i read this it made me smile and want to ask…excuse me, do I know you? The reason being, i’ve never studied languages yet when I meet people who speaks non other than english, I can easily pick up their language and get on with the convo from there. It is strange but i’ve always had that in me and also i am plagued with dreams of places that although I have never ever set foot in that land, nor have any idea if such a place exists, when i investigate it, it find myself utterly dumbfounded, almost creeped out by my discoveries. My family’s origin is from eastern europe or so i was told, of which our last name bears the name of the titulage of my forefather’s township or city. How we actually came to end up leaving so far away from his birth country is what I intend to discover. I think my surname bears some kind of mystery…almost a well-hidden secret.
    Anyhow, well done!

    Mersi mult.
    Zorah

  • Cezzy says:

    I believe you! I got no seeings.I got no evidences. But I have a strong feeling that somehow, somewhere they’re just out there. I don’t know really. But ever since I’m a child, I feel like I’m drawn to them. Like I have to find something that would support my feelings. I just believe. And I know I’m normal. And yes I know. I belive.

  • Lukas Akadian says:

    This actually won me over, sapindale. Naturally I hope I’m not being over eager, but you frankly pass my sniff test. I had multiple encounters with the same poltergeist last year and I know certain ‘abnormalities’ exist, but my account has since been exclusive to my friends who were there and witnessed it with me. Specifically the kind of vampire you describe is in my opinion, astoundingly possible. Anyway, i sort of know what it’s like; Certain things will just inevitably rock your worldview and it sucks feeling like the only living soul… Fascinating prospect, immortality. I can only imagine having witnessed such extents of human nature, to quantify. I’ll bet they have a much wider grasp on our purpose, to say the least… Well, keep your head up. We love you, sapindale!

  • Elaina says:

    Please don’t feel so alone, because I believe you whole-heartedly, as well as the other people that believe you on here as well! I support you in the telling of your experiences, and you have my unconditional acceptance. I believed you from the start, but it’s things like this which cement my original thoughts about it. I applaud you, and I wish you well in your life!

    -Elaina c:

  • Star says:

    Your rant is valid.
    Good luck with your goals for this story. If it’s true, great. If not, then it’s a brilliant idea for a book!
    Also, I am not a fan of the vampire genre. Never seen any ‘sparkly’ shows and would think that they’re insulting to any ‘real vampires’, if they exist; I don’t know. But the idea of a ‘retrovirus’ that changes DNA, or RNA, is fasinating. In nursing, we also studied the possibility of many ‘different’ blood-types, as now known. As a psych major, we studied nature vs nurture. And, as a witness to another unexplainable event & then socially rejected, I unfortunately turned to apathy when dealing with ‘sheeple’. Many times I’ve felt the same exasperation toward stubborn and incredulous individuals. Either from adjuct fear, or maybe just low IQs & total lack of critical thinking skills, the other witnesses have convinced themselves that what we all saw, together, just wasn’t ‘there’. Unfortunately, I am not delusional, nor arrogant enough to convince myself that I know it all. Nor do I believe that ‘modern science’, nor religions, have all the answers, either. This universe is just too expansive to explain away all the possibilities.
    I will leave this link here for you, to help you to not feel so alone… http://www.coasttocoastam.com/
    Keep your head up, :O}.

    • sapindale says:

      Very nice comment, thank you. Thanks for the link. Unfortunately I’m not in the US and I find that having to pay to listen to that radio online is a huge turn-off for me.

  • N says:

    Hello, for starters, thank you for sharing your story. It is truly a wonder to read. I can’t remember the last time I read something that caught my attention so deeply. Of course I have some reservations regarding the validity of it all. Can you blame me really. It’s a lot to swallow but, your way of presenting the story makes things much easier for me to digest.

    Upon finishing your stories, I often find myself wanting to ask you questions but I don’t due to a level of pride I have. To further explain, people (me) don’t want to be taken advantage of or be the brunt of a joke. So, if I were to ask you a questing in regards to the story as if it were true. I envision some dude possibly having a laugh, while sitting at his computer half way around the world thinking, “I tricked another one”. That’s the skeptical me peaking through.

    The other me, if you will, is the type who wants to believe. The type who hopes there is something more in this world than that of what I’ve been taught on the surface. The type who doesn’t pass judgment on ones differences but rather embraces their diversity. Diversity is knowledge and that is what I seek.

    Life is a crazy and exciting place. Though challenging at times, it’s great to be here. In a manner of speaking, a story such as yours solidifies that fact for me.

    I’m sorry to hear that your friends weren’t very understanding. I hope you eventually find solace in the knowledge you’ve gained. It can only be a burden if it is viewed as such. For whatever it’s worth, you’re appreciated. Thanks again, be well. Until next time, peace.

    • sapindale says:

      Thank you for the appreciation. Things like this keep me going. For what it’s worth, I think stepping over your pride and asking any questions, is, eventually, something you have nothing to lose out of. So what if I’m laughing at you? You’ll never know, nobody else will either.

      • N says:

        Thank you for the kind gesture and your word of advice. What you said struck quite a cord in me. I suppose when I come across extraordinary things, it should be all the more reason for me to be inquisitive.. “Nothing to lose out of” A simple yet powerful notion , especially in this particular circumstance. I’ll certainly be more open as I continue reading on. Which, I am very excited to do by the way! Peace.

  • Dia says:

    If you are being trueful, I feel for u. I can only say, the truth is yours to keep, and keep it you must. Who should care what others chose to be ignorant of, it could be for the best. As we are in no shortage of hate and envy. Let things unfold for themselves and get on with living, it don’t last forever for any of us.

  • Anaress says:

    There is no way of easy explanation, if you want answers and I want your trust contact me.

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